My heart was beating at like 150 bpm or something atm, I was paralyzed in front of my window, it was a very exciting moment for me.
The next day, all I was thinking about was what I heard, and then as soon as it was night : I stopped doing anything with sounds (Youtube, netflix, games etc..), I kept waiting for them, I would get up each 15 mins to stand in frond of the window, because maybe something is happening and I can’t hear it when I’m on my chair/bed?? I kept doing that till 4h30 am, which was very late for me….at 7 am, I was waken up by their wilderness again, but it was a slow wake up, and when I was fully awake, again, it lasted only few sec before the orgasm. After that, I stayed awake for like 1-2 hours before falling back asleep, because I kept blaming myself for not waking up faster, but also because my heart didn’t want to slow down.
The following days, I was so obsessed, I developed weird habits and I changed my old ones…as in, I started going out to the balcony very often, sleeping with the window open while it was cold, doing activities with sounds on not to miss anything etc…I didn’t hear them anymore unfortunately, as they were closing their window (but didn’t know that until my last day in that country)
These vacations deeply changed my life, it gave me a new huge obsession…when I was back to my country, it was very cold, so I know there was no hope to hear anything since everyone close their window (and tbh I’m too scared to walk in corridors to hear through doors…I know that neighbors will just give me that creeped out look and no more than that, but even this I don’t want it), so I simply and easily buried this obsession.
Then this summer happened (=open windows), and boy I was very shocked of my own behavior. I’d know that I need to wake up at 7 am, but I’d walk the entire city till 5 am hoping to catch something, when in reality I was never fan of walking during any time of the day, but for the sake of hearing people making love, I’d walk up to 7-10km in only 4-5 hours at night.
I also found my interest in real sex or even porn diminished, and less of a priority compared to walking at night hoping to catch something.
I actually feel a kind of suffering? It’s impacting my functioning, my relationships with people and probably my wife as well, and the worst is that, it’s an obsession that can never be satisfied, it’s a very pointless one as I can’t get final satisfaction (ie orgasms) from it.
So, anyway, sorry for not being a great story teller, nor a perfect english speaker. I just wanted to speak out my mind, because I’m really disturbed by my own kink, and I have no idea what to really do about it, and combining this to the fact that sex with a real partner became less interesting to me, it makes it very scary. And thank you for reading
